QI S17E14 Series Q – HD – Queens

February 6, 2020 0 By Sebastian Fry

tonight I am queen of a quorum of Queens
let’s meet ones loyal subject speaking the Queen’s English Colin Lane the
Queen’s shilling David Mitchell Queens uniform Sarah Millican the groom of the stool Allen Davis let’s see their queenly quartet Sarah
goes nice pollen goes I love a bit of scandi music and Alan goes and what do you do what
can you tell me about the Royal we it doesn’t smell we’re off and running right yes Wizards out in Australian
accent oh I’ll be working on that since you were last here really they don’t
open their teeth up busted McRae I see something weird about
George the Third’s we I think maybe was purple then they thought he had yes
porphyria yeah and then now they think he didn’t have Paul Thiry but they were
definitely saying there’s something up with this guy’s we also he’s gone mad
yes but I’m heading in a different direction why might a royal person say
we are first-person plural it is the majestic plural it’s known as News’s a
minute from the Atlantic news for we it’s the idea that the royal person
instead of referring to themself as I in fact says we implying there’s more than
one of them yes well we can trace it back to Henry the second and it used to
mean God and I that’s what it really comes from
we’ve got Henry the second there and his successor rich at the first and it’s
rich at the first that introduced the motto Jew Imam to our God and my right
and that remains the world motto ever since a crown got your crown think this
is like a working crown this isn’t like a pile of an opening coronation crown
this is a crap Haley yeah you can wear it all the time you go into battle I’m
gonna get a paper and some fags yeah yeah
we doesn’t actually use the pronoun one as much as you would think
they analyzed all her speeches since 1952 and she uses I six times more often
than she says one it’s a pattern really atrocious because it isn’t unless she
got bored of it yeah what they call remaining wean so just mix it a bit it
must be quite done do you not think constantly having to open and close them I don’t think to be fair you mean
opening as in launching yeah don’t think she closes many things when BHS went
down there I didn’t you choose the Queen’s food beefeaters bacteria that we are in the land of
honey worker bees worker bee it’s not all the other bees because they divide
up into lots of there are product development bees yeah they’ve achieved
very little but when you compare them to KitKat I mean kit colors orange KitKat
berry sir I mean they really worked on the product development yeah honey just
honey so what bees they predigest the Queen’s food because she doesn’t have
the necessary glands to digest it herself even more unpleasant than that
they have the power to put her on a crash diet what yes I know
so she gets really big and heavy she’s doing heavy to fly and when they want to
swarm which they do once a year they put her on a crash diet so that she loses
1/3 of her body weight and so she’s ready to take off
is there a committee or something there’s a some level of management that
goes you know the Queen’s getting a bit poor key decisions are made so for
example choosing a new queen they seem to select rather randomly a be at the
larva stage and they give it a special diet different from all of the workers
so these are queen cups these are new Queens being developed and most loved
are fed honey and pollen by worker bees but occasionally one is fed only royal
jelly which is a sort of protein that’s secreted from the glands in the worker
bees heads and this one is elevated to royal status and becomes Queen but I
like that you asked the question because the truth is we don’t know well thank
you very much yeah so we used to think it was the royal jelly that made the
Queen’s develop differently and we now think it’s not what she’s fed but what
she is not fed so the fact that she does not get pollen and honey like the others
it actually makes her ovaries grow large well the other’s reproductive organs the
ones that get the pollen and honey that they actually shrink
it’s a terrible life actually because when it comes time to get rid of her
she’s sick which is unproductive not having any more babies the workers
kill her by balling her oh I don’t know if I know what that is no no they large
group swarms tightly around her and rest and I was thinking body temperature
until she is but actually we say queen bee since Aristotle’s time it was always
assumed it was a king it took until the 60s and 70s there was a Dutch scientist
called yawns from Adam and he dissected a king bee under a microscope and rather
does shocked to discover the size of the ovaries which represent a quarter of
amateur Queens bodyweight you also let this great thing if you remove the Queen
from the hive on a stick all the other bees will follow you and this is a
beekeeping trick that people use note and the most bizarre use was in the 18th
century in show business there was a beekeeper called Daniel wildmen and he
had a honey shop in London and he promoted it by riding horses standing up
while wearing a beard of bees that made people buy from his shop rather than
that well he was fast pretty startling if you have a look this
is not him but these are other people who have the skill getting bees to do as
they please because there was a woman called Patti Jones so she was the wife
of the inventor of the modern circus Philip Astley and she used to perform
horse riding stance but she used to have a swarm of bees on her hand imitating a
lady’s muff who has sex for 15 years and gets licked
to death by their own children something like a like a termite is a termite
you’re absolutely right yes you like insects I think this is a bit
gross okay so I don’t really like insect I accept they’re necessary they are
necessary but this is honestly a yellow pulsating mass so the termite queen just
like bees is the only fertile female in the colony and she gives birth to all
the rest but unlike other insects mates for life and I mean literally
so after choosing a king spends 15 years incessantly mating to produce the nest
colony she produces one egg every three seconds no I know
so over a quarter of a billion in her lifetime so her head at the front that
is her body and that her egg producing organ becomes so massive that she’s
rendered entire there she is I know she’s played by Olivia Colman in
the film shooting producing eggs the whole time
she grows to be too large to leave the cell she’s gonna be a hundred times the
size of the other termites no that’s her that’s her the rest is egg producing
organ I said it was gross is she having sex and producing an egg at the same
time yes so she’s endlessly shaky she goes through about five to ten kings in
her lifetime I think they just get exhausted I mean does she do it the same
way every time with the sex life to keep it fun and I think just gets rid of the
king and she can’t move so her babies tend to her they feed her they clean her
they drink the secretion that she sweats look at this I didn’t warn you it’s
revolting but when she has outlived her usefulness so she’s not producing enough
babies anymore the children surround her and they lick her to death they
literally suck the fluids and fats from her body there was such a disgusting
story behind something as lovely as a turbot anyway what’s wrong with the
Queen in this picture nothing at all did you think that was a clean-shaven
gentleman is she dead she is dead this is Ennis to Castro so
we are back in the 14th century she was the mistress of the then future King of
Portugal Peter the first he had a wife called Constance and she died very sad
so he immediately moved in as in and they had three illegitimate children now
his dad was still King then Alphonse on the fourth it was furious
so he had Ennis killed well obviously Peter didn’t like this very much so he
caught two the killers and he had their hearts torn out and pulverized before
him while he ate dinner so quite cross I mean on the whole quite right six years
later he became king he announced that he and inners had secretly married he
dug her up and yes and placed her on the throne and forced the court to swear
allegiance to her and kiss her hand so she’s not really dead they’ve been
buried for six years well in which case they’ve done a great
job yeah she looks pretty good yeah absolutely I mean I look worse than that
many days in 1667 two hundred thirty years after Catherine
of Valois she was the queen consort of Henry the fifth died her tomb was
disturbed they’re doing some renovations in Westminster Abbey and after that if
you paid a little bit extra to your tour guide they would take you to see the
corpse it became a sort of tourist attraction and samuel peeps took his
wife and daughters to see it and this is really weird he wrote in his diary I did
kiss her mouth reflecting upon it that I did kiss a queen that this was my
birthday 36 years old that I did first kiss a queen is dead still counts was it his first cop so
maybe since he’s already done that yeah yeah oh oh yeah if that’s her dead body
it’s had work yeah you mr. Castro was a bit of a stiff you know even for a royal
now who was the first Queen to get a Brazilian via Patra why do you think she
used the bath in milk she was up for stuff asses milk even normal milk no she
married several of her brothers she was a you know what we’d call now a weirdo no it is not a Brazilian husband we are
heading into you to Brazil if that helps I have to have this picture explained to
me when I know more about you honestly I thought it was caramel I had
no idea we’re going to 1807 we are going to
Portugal the crown prince dumb jewel no podían is approaching and he takes his
entire court including his queen that Carlotta and he thinks let’s go to one
of our colonies and they head off to Brazil so they go off in a convoy of
ships from Lisbon to Brazil 10,000 people go with him and it’s unbelievably
overcrowded and hygienic and a lice infestation breaks out so in order to
get rid of the lice they all do all the women they have to shave their heads
they have to throw all their powdered wigs away and cover their heads in pink
fat now they’re about to arrive in Brazil they want to make a bit of a stir
but they’ve got bald heads and big fat that’ll do the job the arrival of
baseball Guanabara Bay and Carlotta and all the other royal women emerged with
their bald heads covered with improvised turbans and apparently so the story goes
the Brazilian women thought this was the height of European style and it became
the local fashion the problem is that Brazil was full of a wonderful african
brazilian population and i would have thought that that turban thing would
have come from that part of the world originally but we don’t know so they
were bald everywhere then are you worrying about is caught in this one looks not unlike David Mitchell do you think she looks a bit like multi
film yes this is building up into quite the compliment resilience there’s a long
history of commoners imitating Royals as a man called Pierre
mo Duke of Mantua was a hunchback so we took at sixteenth century and so all of
his courtiers put humps on to compliment it a judge that carefully yeah look like
you’re taking the piss just another interesting for Royals louis xiv he had
a fashion that courtiers should have one long fingernail why was that my
husband’s got one special toenail for scratching his eczema so for listening I feel in this show you and I are in
danger of oversharing and you seem to be fine with that though
that’s yeah it’s only it keeps her to himself I’m all right yeah yeah he
hasn’t really heavy now he’s only taught me quite recently and we’ve been
together for nearly 15 years except maybe pay more attention in the future
so the one long fingernail or do I reckon is that a cane that he’s leaning
on or is that the finger man if he didn’t have the fingernail so it was the
courtiers everyone else had empathy yes to do with his anus let me just get
that out of my head that is your takeaway from this show
citing termites or the fingernail up louis xiv arse now
it’s in this in this realities and I want any of you
to be ready yeah there’s no yelling whoo I’m gonna
ask now to stick their finger mail up my anus all to grow it now only it to me it
specialism oh hey you now so he decreed that nobody was allowed to
knock on his door so instead really gently with one finger
and so it became a thing that you grew a fingernail especially to scratch on the
Kings door and it really rather suggested you had the Kings ear I know
weird rules honestly would have been better off if they’ve done it up his ass
I just moving on what was your best chance of seeing the Queen’s ass in the
18th century asking really really really nicely this is Queen Charlotte she was the wife
of George the George the third absolutely right and she’s very good yeah an anus full of facts anus of fact see the working title of my
memoir but it wasn’t was known as the Queen sass given to her by the governor
of the Cape in South Africa in 1761 it was a wedding present he sent a pair he
said two male and a female unfortunately the male no stamina died on wheat but
the female arrived only a year late for the wedding and it was a very popular
attraction we would never seen one before and she had staples into
Buckingham gate and George Stubbs the great painter produced a marvelous large
painting and apparently she bred it I mean but apparently they painted white
stripes on the backside of a male donkey we persuade to mate with it
and it worked and gave birth so what would that be a donkey
Emma zebra a donkey don’t breathe it sounds like a condition it’s as if ride
you know you can’t sit right when he goes Miz embroider 18th century
technology like a donkey in leggings doesn’t do
donkeys in Thai they use it same technique for breeding your resources
some stallions will only mate with mayors of a particular color I wear a
George Clooney mask we’ve got a dog collar a hound tether a game noose and
you’ve got the horn what game can we play what noose if we got a game news Oh
a new sex Freddie well it’s just what might you do with a game new so that’s
the third one is it you know you don’t to shoot pheasants
but you might encourage them to commit suicide okay maybe I mean you’re a
pheasant what is there to live for anyway there is I mean to be honest yeah
if the pheasants killed itself it’s not the same thing as eating it having shot
it is it you could probably make an argument that it’s like a vegan pheasant this is kind of what David is talking
about is about pheasants but you won’t be able to carry them home like little
soft handcuffs or something well I think round its neck darling and carry it home
on your belt it’s like a pheasant clip exactly darling yes where the hell am I
gonna put my pheasant oh I know I’ve got my game news yeah so all of these things
come from one game a dog collar a hound tether a game noose and a horn from
somewhere around 1470 this game is it a sex game and how you play it I suppose
it’s not limit ourselves it is absolutely good so the world’s oldest
full set of playing cards it’s called the Xavier hunting pack it’s currently
at the Metropolitan Museum in New York City what’s that top one well it’s a
balloon whisk so the sort of the suits that we have today if we go through them
the dog color on the bottom and then the game noose and then the horn
and then a hound tether okay there weren’t any rule books until the 17th
century so we don’t know what kind of games they would have played but this
would have been one of the first facts to have a queen in Europe they
originally had no Queen they had a Cavalier on horseback instead but around
the 15th century they start to swap them out and start to have a queen but lots
of things have changed in games because the Queen in chess was originally the
Vizier so the sort of advisor the the minister the chess board was a
battlefield and then it eventually became the royal court so you get the
Vizier the infantry the cavalry the elephants the charity they become the
Queen’s the Knights the bishop and so on and in monopoly when did this start
having the little dog in the Hat that is a very good question
they weren’t fed or just charms or forge on bracelet oh sorry
yeah that’s shit answer sorry I don’t know Sara but let’s hope one day
somebody finds out they’ll just edit the bit out where I dress okay
I believe they were charms from a charm bracelet yes yeah just popped into my own anus now it’s time for the short walked the
chopping block we call general ignorance fingers on buzzers please what’s the
oldest object in the crown jewels is it the Queen it’s not bad I’m sorry I turned the
volume right it’s an old spoon yes you are absolutely right it is most of the crown jewels were lost at
the Civil War so almost everything is post-civil won there’s the odd thing
left very few things from before that so from before then so it’s late 12th
century so it’s a ten and a half inch long anointing spewed it’s one of only
four things that we have which predate the restoration are the other three are
some 17th century swords from back time of Edward the Confessor you get a set of
coronation regalia which gets passed down from ruler to ruler but then of
course as you say the monarchy was abolished and their new government
decides to melt everything down but that was a guy called mister Kinsley he was
yeoman of Charles the first to wardrobe and he bought the spoon for sixteen
shillings about 11 days wages at the time so it’s not a complete fortune and
when the monarchy was restored he returns the spoon did they give him
sixteen shillings just returned it’s a lovely gesture yeah now who wrote the
Queensbury rules the mark we said creep he endorsed them he did not write them
they were written by a Welshman called John Graham chambers so he founded the
Amateur Athletic Club he’s probably famous for the faculty rode beside a man
called Matthew we’re bid anybody know what Matthew Webb did it was in a sketch
down below maxie web the first person recorded to
swim the channel in 1875 you said the first person recorded does that mean
that other people did it and just didn’t tell anybody they didn’t tell anybody
yeah just kept it quiet yes like the moon who knows how many people have been
popping after the moon wasn’t Columbus discovered the Americas the Vikings went
there ages ago the Vikings probably went to the moon yeah
strangers adoption of the Queensbury rules boxing was a sport it was called
horse boxing and it was the invention of a guy he met in Berlin and I’m
african-american books are called bob’ dobbs
and it is it’s essentially a boxing match but you just sit and punch each
other father horses have a little chat yeah you think of a quicker way of
making horses despise you man in 1912 it was demonstrated tournament in Germany
and they thought of putting this into the German armies you know proper
officer training the new sport will be valuable for the soldier on horseback in
time of war as when he loses his weapons he will have to fall back on his natural
means of defense it didn’t work out as a sport anybody know why can’t hold the
reins horses did not want to stand still which brings us to the final fanfare of
the scores in first place Oh with a sovereign eight it’s Sarah and fourth place with a magnificent -25
it’s Alan we have only to thank Sara David Colin
and Alan and leave you with this queenly quotation when Edward the seventh was
asked of his mother Queen Victoria would be happy in heaven he replied she will
have to walk behind the angels and she won’t like that good night you